Bad is Good and Good is Bad?

Women desire both the Nice Guy and the Bad Boy in the same package.  Many men scratch their heads and don’t understand how they can want both a bad and a good guy.  Think of it as a Volkswagen Golf with a Ferrari Engine in it – practical, roomy and reliable but can send the adrenaline racing in less than 6 seconds. 

The important thing to know is that they are looking for the Bad Boy only in the physical realm or those areas of their psyche that stimulate the physical.  They want the Bad Boy in a sexual context, because this guy turns them on – the outlaw, the rebel, and the guy who doesn’t follow the rules and does things his own way.  Someone who presents an element of danger and risk that is many times thrilling to a woman.  However, bringing this mythic figure into the reality of dating is challenging, to say the least. 

Women don’t really want a dangerous guy in their lives, since physical safety is at the top of a woman’s priority list.  Misbehaving Bad Boys that do not pick up the phone and call or display any other actions that show that a woman is valued and desired will always lead to misery. 

It is very important to know the difference between a Bad Boy and a Good Bad Boy.  One will always by adored by women and the other will always cause heartbreak to them.  Its obvious which one you want to be.

The 12 Guys You NEVER Want To Be.......

Below are the types of behavior you must avoid. These are Real Bad Boys - nothing good about them! Women, if you run into one of these guys turn on your heel and run in the opposite direction at top speed:

·         The Narcissist is a personality type weaved so well into the relationship landscape that there are several sub categories of narcissism that have to be considered. And just a heads up--there are plenty of women narcissists that this will apply to as well!

·         The Sexual Narcissist is a predator that encourages deviant sexual behavior and will lure you in by encouraging and approving 'open-mindedness'.  This person will use guilt to manipulate you into uncomfortable actions.

·        The Violent Narcissist--the name says it all. The 'world is against me' and will sabotage relationships by harassment and provocation.  Also will try to make you look like the 'out of control' person.  Very   dangerous as using physical violence is a means to an end with this person.

·        The Paranoid Narcissist is suspicious of everything and             accuses you of many things without justification.  Avoids exposure and will use you to hide from facing realities.

·          The Preaching Narcissist accuses others of failing unrealistically high standards of honesty and integrity while secretly lying and cheating behind your back.  Full of false moral integrity and high minded – all to deflect from their utter lack of character.

·    The Forewarning Narcissist will actually tell you up front what a bad person they are but is banking on your thinking you can change them--that you falling for the ruse that because this person has been 'up front and honest' you can trust them. Then when you are devastated by their bad behavior they play the 'I told you who I was when you met me' defense.  Next time one of these folks lets you know that they are no good and you shouldn't be around them--confound their plan by actually believing them and running away at top speed

·         The Finger Pointing Narcissist will blame you and others for all failures and will never accept any responsibility.  This person projects everything onto others and uses their ‘forgiveness’ as their hook.

·         The Contrite Narcissist will admit to their bad behavior and promises to change while asking forgiveness for their transgressions. This person is counting on your hitting the reset button so they can start the whole cycle over again.  This person promises to change but never does.
         

In addition to the Festival of Narcissists, also be aware of these other special folks:

·         The Manipulator pits people against each other and relies heavily on disinformation.  Intent on controlling others, and is very skilled at keeping friends and potential victims apart from each other.  Charming and charismatic, is a master with using words to gain their objective which is   usually financial.  Politicians and television evangelists fall into this category.

·         The Substance Abuser is once again all in the name.  Overindulgence in sex, drugs, alcohol, food or whatever will fill the endless void for self gratification.  This person will try to coerce you into joining the draining whirlpool of excess.

·         The Gambler is a foolhardy risk taker putting himself and all those around him in jeopardy.  Never learns from mistakes and has no remorse about continually causing ruin from poor impulsive decision making.  Keep your finances as far away as possible. 

·         The Soul Mate is a nefarious and crafty type that preys on those that will respond to their button pushing.  Hits you like gangbusters, sweeps you off your feet doing and saying all the right things and has all the same interests and tastes that you do.  It’s all a ruse, as those interests are a mirror to deflect from this person’s lack of depth and false integrity.  The only objective is garnering your attention whether it’s good or bad.  This person appears too good to be true and that’s because it is.  Very insidious and hard to detect, anyone who seems too perfect warrants deeper examination.

                Once again, by gaining knowledge on how real Bad Boys operate, you have the opportunity to achieve one of the Good Bad Boy’s primary objectives, which is to separate yourself from the rest of the clueless male populace.

Good Bad versus Bad Bad

Sure women desire a Bad Boy, but that hardly means they want a Loser in their lives, which most Bad Boys are.  While women want the guy they’re involved with to possess the characteristics of the sensitive, well-mannered good guy, those traits usually appeal to their common sense, and are not what sends their hearts and libidos racing.  You have to satisfy both the heart and the mind!

In trying to figure out your way to what a woman is really looking for, you should spend a few moments getting educated on the kinds of men they should be avoiding at all costs.  While it may seem like common sense that a decent fellow as yourself would never purposely engage in those behavior patterns, being aware of them serves a couple of purposes.  Firstly, you’ll be more sensitive to the kinds of truly bad guys there are out there that women are subjected to, and how you can set yourself apart from them.  Secondly,  for all the women that are reading, here’s a good reminder of the kind of real Bad Boys that, if you want to have a healthy and happy personal life, you will never let get anywhere close to you.

More on this over the weekend......

Being Good, Being Bad and What Women Really Want....

A big problem is when Mr. Nice Guy takes the lead role.  He has his place, and it’s an important one, but on the journey to being a Good Bad Boy, it is essential for a man to know when it is time to be nice and when it’s time to be ‘bad’.  They are to co-exist, dependent on each other, but like a good team, will not interfere with the other’s area of expertise.  Those defined areas will become clearer later on.  For now, its time to learn more about women.

What a woman really wants in a man can be written about and discussed from now until the end of time, but our focus is on one particular aspect within this subject.  If you know this fact, and then learn how to become adept within it, I can assure you the women in your life will be very happy, and therefore you will be as well.  And what is this great kernel of sensual knowledge?   Most women want Mr. Nice Guy to know how to look and act like a Bad Boy.  They want a man who knows when its time to act like a gentleman and then knows when its time to be anything but.  And yes, this generally means sensually and sexually. 

The Platonic Friendship Trap.....

One big dilemma Nice Guys usually face is getting lost on the Road to Platonic Friendship far too late for them to get back in the right direction.  As stated earlier, there’s nothing wrong with acts of kindness without expectation of recompense.  However, if your initial efforts at trying to gain the favors of a fair maiden involve fixing broken items, carrying heavy objects, killing vermin, and so on, you’re essentially saying to her PLATONIC FRIEND – DO NOT TOUCH.  Again, this is assuming that she doesn’t have a big initial attraction to you.  The only sure way to know that a woman is attracted to you is that it’s been communicated to you in a direct manner--“Hey, she was smiling at me, and looking me in the eyes…a lot!”  Anything short of this shall be interpreted as Friends Only!

Be conscious of your initial interactions.  The early involvement here is a task oriented one having nothing to do with romance, so the platonic course has been set.   Don’t blame any woman later for leading you on or taking advantage of you if you get things started in this direction.  Any woman can find a handyman in the Yellow Pages, finding a guy that can sweep her off her feet and take her breath away is a little more challenging.  Essentially, by sending out the message that you’re a nice guy and that you’re willing to do favors for a woman, they will be more than happy to oblige your wishes.  You’ve communicated to her that it’s fine to take that course.  Women are quite sharp, but they can’t read your mind.  By failing to effectively communicate your wishes you’ve now dug yourself into the Platonic Grave, and rest assured, there is little hope of ever getting out of it.

Fun With No Strings.....

I was recently in a store where an attractive mother was struggling to do her shopping and keep her son in control.  While trying to amuse her child, some items dropped from her possession and without any thought, I stepped over to her and picked them up.  She gave me the standard thank you, but being a Good Bad Boy, I’m always looking for opportunities to practice my craft.  I looked at the toy, and commented “That’s really for you, isn’t it?” 

Of course, it wasn’t, but the point is, on top of the nice deed, I connected on another level, and made her smile and brought a moment of warmth.  Most importantly, this had nothing to do with trying to engage her sexually – it was a fun moment with only a hint of flirtation, and we both went our separate ways and got on with our lives.  If you practice the attitude of giving without expectation, you will make great gains in your relations with women.

The importance of this goes back to a woman’s emotional safety.  If she knows you’re doing things for her without any expectation from it, she will trust you more easily and desire being closer to you, whether or not that manifests in any physical activity.  Although, be assured that if there is any kissing, or more, that’s going to happen, it will only be if she reaches this comfort level with you.

Real Expectations

So, if you can’t do a favor for an attractive woman without expectation of anything in return, then don’t do it at all.  Good Bad Boys know that doing kind deeds across the board, without the anticipation of some sort of payoff, is the only route to Good Bad Boy Enlightenment. 

Besides, the real secret is that a truly kind individual who gives freely without want or expectation of anything in return is much more likely to get what he wants.  I’m not talking Porsches and swimming pools; this is about engaging the women in your life on the level you’ve only dreamed of.  The change comes from the inside; assuming you’re now truly free of expectation, you don’t feel a lack or loss because nothing has happened.  You’ve done a selfless, kind act and asked or expected nothing in return.  You feel better, and it reflects to others around you.  Women pick up on it, and they are more attracted to you.  They love guys with this attitude. 

Do kind and selfless deeds without any expectation.  Doing them anonymously is even better; it’s a higher evolution of this belief.  Remember, it’s about how you feel on the inside, and this will make you feel better about yourself all around.

Emotional Safety

While what you say to a woman is always important, it’s a man’s actions that will ultimately shape the relationship between the two of you.  All of the attributes discussed at the beginning of the chapter, especially respect for a woman’s feelings and opinions, are required for developing a woman’s trust and her being able to confide in you. 

The foremost task for Mr. Nice Guy is having his words and deeds reach a point of consistency that a woman feels emotionally safe with him.  If a woman feels emotionally safe, then – with time, patience, effort and trust – her heart, mind, body and soul will be open and accessible.  Many times the Nice Guy will spend time with a woman being nice and attentive, but all the time and effort is focused on a sexual payoff somewhere down the road.  This mentality must always be avoided, it is a ‘strings attached’ attitude, and a complete waste of your time.  It simply isn’t nice, and women will view you as creepy – a term you never want associated with yourself.  You’re better off being dead than being a creep, and from a relationship standpoint, a creep is dead anyway.     

Nice Is Nice......

Let’s make something clear from the onset.  Being a Nice Guy is a very good thing.  A very important thing.  In fact, without being a Nice Guy, you will never get to venture into the garden of sensual delights that any self-respecting woman offers. 

The key is keeping Mr. Nice Guy in his proper place, and not let him handle the tasks that a Good Bad Boy should be responsible for.  Where in the past you were baffled by how to hook the attentions of a cute female, you will learn when it’s time for the Nice Guy to take a hike, and when to step in as a good seductive Bad Boy, and switch gears between the two effortlessly. 

For now, let’s discuss and dissect Mr. Nice Guy, and make him play his role correctly.

This Just In.....Less Is More

Being all things to all people is impossible, but becoming a Good Bad Boy covers a lot of ground when it comes to most women.  A woman wants to be treated fairly and respectfully, romanced properly but also desires to have a man  romantically and sexually sweep her off her feet.  She wants a guy that is safe, reliable, someone she can count on, yet knows when it’s time to be a Bad Boy and ignite the flames of desire.  A Nice Guy only sees half of all this, a Good Bad Boy has learned from experience and the women in his life how to bridge this difficult rift.

The first concept that must be stressed is for men to do a whole lot less thinking – particularly when it comes to what they think works with women.  In place of all that wasted brain usage, we’ll take a lesson from women, and trust intuition.  So, bookmark this thought for later – Feel More and Think Less.  If you learn nothing else but that, you’ll still be miles ahead of the rest of the mob.  Feel More.  Think Less.

Be Prepared, Boy Scout!

An important aspect is conviction.  A Good Bad Boy needs to be able to lead when it’s time to lead, provide a solution to a problem when it is required, yet also have the sense to know when to let things be – to know when less is more.  Women desire a Good Bad Boy because they can cover so much territory, both physically and emotionally.  It involves a higher lever of emotional maturity and confidence and the ability to lead. 

A Good Bad Boy is always ready with a plan or idea, and this way a woman can agree or change the plan to her liking.  A Good Bad Boy is evolved enough to let a woman have her way since making a woman happy in her heart is his ultimate goal.  Women want a man who can take charge – but is smart enough to never tell a woman what to do unless he is asked for his opinion.  And even then he should think twice!

Is There a Cure For Nice Guy-itis?

The typical 21^st century male must start the process of becoming a Good Bad Boy by first re-learning what interacting with a woman – as an adult – entails.

Let’s focus on the destination.  The goal is to become a Good Bad Boy, but what does that actually mean?  A Good Bad Boy is someone who has the knowledge and confidence to be able to be the driving force in physical intimacy, yet be able to listen, understand and cater to any and all of his partner’s wishes, needs and desires and still maintain his stature as an uncompromised male.  Being a Good Bad Boy entails knowing when it is time to kiss a woman – or more – but more importantly know when it is time not to push the sexual agenda. 

Being a Good Bad Boy involves a comprehensive understanding of what a woman needs at any time, and given that in many instances the woman herself may not know what she wants, well, that makes for a daunting challenge.  However, the rewards are more than worth the effort.

It's Still Not Your Fault.....

Other unfortunate souls have suffered a time honored rite of passage--the oppressive ‘birds and bees’ talk with a Neanderthal Dad.  Many times this talk trumpets the merits of being a ‘man’s man’ and not to be too emotional or sensitive.  Unfortunately, this could resurface years later in the form of emotional unavailability, lack of communication of feelings and other behavioral difficulties stemming from a general bewilderment on how to act around the female half of the population.

Worst of all is the ‘classroom on the corner’, where the collective sexual unconsciousness of the neighborhood boys conspire to thwart any possibility of evolving a young male’s sensual awareness to any healthy degree.  Here all the rumors, innuendo, myths and urban legends involving girls that have been gleaned from media stereotypes have significant sway.  Music videos, television and film, soft and hardcore pornographic magazines and online websites and videos as well as other sources continue to foster an unrealistic standard of women’s looks, appearance and sexuality. 

With this as a source of sexual education, it’s easy to see where boys physically grow into men, yet often remain boys emotionally when it comes to dealing with their female counterparts.

It's Not Totally Your Fault.....

Let’s be fair, most men never had any kind of an effective sexual mentor in their formative years to provide the elusive Rosetta Stone of Women.  Some had an evolved sister or mother sit down and try to explain what relating with girls would be all about.  However, while this may sound ideal, masculinity, not fostered at least partly by a male mentor, will flounder.   So will this man’s efforts at engaging women in a confident manner.

Just a note.....if you've bought How to Be A Good Bad Boy and liked what I've had to say, please go to Amazon, Barnes & Noble, anywhere and everywhere and write a glowing review.  The few minutes you spend doing it will help immensely.  Thank you.

Why Nice Guys Finish Last....

You're a nice guy; a decent guy.  You were taught to respect women and you make every effort to do so.  You show up on time; since being late is discourteous and sends a message to a woman that you’re indifferent, or worse, don’t really care about her.  Politeness is something that you practice with a religious fervor, since being rude will never be well received by any woman.  Inherently, you’re very patient with the women in your life, knowing they are more sensitive than you and are subject to emotional highs and lows that are sometimes beyond their control.   Aware of this, you understand these situations, almost to a fault.  All in all, you’ve tried your hardest to become reliable, available and basically ‘be there’ when women have needed you.

So, why is it that when you try to move smoothly from being Mr. Nice Guy to engaging a woman on a more physical and sexual level, complete and utter failure is instead your companion every time?

New Year, New Attitude

On the other side, giving has a number of dimensions. We discussed earlier the importance of doing kind deeds without expectation of anything in return. The same goes for giving. Giving should be done unconditionally, simply because the act itself is one that makes you feel better, and consequently, makes the woman you’re involved with feel better as well. Giving, in the Good Bad Boy’s thinking, is an extension of how he feels about the woman he’s involved with. It’s an opportunity to manifest through actions the emotions that are there, and it can be a very powerful form of expression.

Let's hope expressing how you feel is still not too much of a challenge....