Are You Listening?

The objective is to become an accomplished listener, which is the other half of being a good communicator.  If you only talk and don’t listen, you’re a blowhard, no matter how clever your words are.   Listening leads to knowing the person you’re communicating with, and knowing each other is vital to mutual attraction.  You may be in conversation with a supermodel, but if she starts talking about how the minorities in her part of town have become intolerable, your attraction to this person should melt as quickly as ice dropped onto the backyard barbeque.   

You’re now listening attentively and occasionally putting in a genuine comment or question, and you connect with what this woman is saying and the attraction is growing.  There is a caveat, however.  Since this level of conversation and getting to know each other is not a one-way street, be ready to have the spotlight turned onto you.  Asking her questions may seem difficult, but it pales in comparison to the terrifying moment when she asks ‘How does that make you feel?’

Why You're Clueless

Let’s be fair, most men never had any kind of an effective sexual mentor in their formative years to provide the elusive Rosetta Stone of Women. Some had an evolved sister or mother sit down and try to explain what relating with girls would be all about. While this may sound ideal, masculinity, not fostered at least partly by a male mentor, will flounder, as will this man’s efforts at engaging women in a confident manner.

Other unfortunate souls have suffered a time honored rite of passage - the oppressive ‘birds and bees’ talk with a Neanderthal Dad. Many times this talk trumpets the merits of being a “man’s man” and not to be too emotional or sensitive. Unfortunately, this could resurface years later in the form of emotional unavailability, lack of communication of feelings and other difficulties stemming from a general bewilderment on how to act around the female half of the population.

Worst of all is the “classroom on the corner,” where the collective sexual unconsciousness of the neighborhood boys conspire to thwart any possibility of evolving a young male’s sensual awareness to any healthy degree. Here all the rumors, innuendo, myths and urban legends involving girls that have been gleaned from media stereotypes have significant sway. Music videos, men's magazines, television and film, soft and hardcore pornographic magazines and videos as well as other sources continue to foster an unrealistic standard of women’s looks, appearance and sexuality.

With this as a source of sexual education, it’s easy to see where boys physically grow into men, yet often remain boys emotionally when it comes to dealing with their female counterparts.

So, where does a clueless guy go from here?

On the Radio......

Click the link to listen to my interview with NY Times bestselling author Christy Whitman, - you can catch me at the 50:39 point in the video....


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ysbij8aN7hs

The Dark Side of Being Nice.....

Unfortunately, there are many men out there who are traveling this path, repeatedly being a decent fellow, and continuing to not get the attention they desire. The seeds of anger are now planted. They don’t get their desired result, and sulk to friends about how this woman was a ‘stuck up bitch’, or a ‘princess’ or ‘arrogant’ or a ‘bimbo’ or a thousand other unacceptable terms. Men exhibit this behavior to make them feel better about themselves when a woman has refused their advances. There is a name for this behavior, and its called misogyny.


Lets make this very clear right now – under no circumstances is any attitude that is hateful or angry towards women acceptable. First, it will never get you into the arms of a sexy affectionate woman for any length of time. Next, it will eventually take over your own feeling of yourself, and self-doubt and loathing will permeate your psyche and women will pick that vibration up. You might as well be wearing a sign that says, “I Hate Myself, Therefore I Hate You”.  

You’ve operated with an ulterior motive, and now you’re reaping the sad harvest of that.
Once it comes out that you were being a nice guy with the hope of getting into a woman’s pants, not only will you not get any adoring kisses, there will be no friendship at all. Women run from guys like this at top speed in the other direction, and always refer to this type as a complete jerk. And you thought you were being a nice guy. 

Do kind favors without any expectations and if a woman is interested in you, she’ll let you know, in a subtle way most men seem to miss. If she doesn’t, let it go. Your self-worth as a Good Bad Boy now demands that you never go where you are not desired – no matter how cute she looks in those jeans.
Again, remember to Think Less and Feel More. If you’re really a Nice Guy one hundred percent, then you’re going through your day with a smile and being kind to others without any expectation in return. Yes, that includes your cute new co-worker that you can’t get your mind off of. 

One major mistake that men make is trying to be all things to all women. I've heard countless women complain "Men never know what they want." Another component of the miscommunication between the sexes. Being clear on what you want in any dating situation shows clarity and confidence, two big attractive aspects to women. 

So, the question arises - Do you know what you want in your next relationship?

A Few Words on Christmas......

This is the time of year where there's a lot of activity and a lot of expectation - a very challenging time when it comes to giving and receiving.  It has been said the true gift in Christmas is being able to effectively receive from others - whether it be lavish gifts or simply kind words or well wishing gestures.


Many men get caught up in the notion that they must be measured by the gifts that they give - how big, how much, how important, and on and on.  I suppose if you're in competition with other guys with that stuff - how you're viewed from a business perspective, etc. - then I guess it matters to some degree.  Good Bad Boys measure themselves from within - not against others.

But that is not our focus here.  A most important goal of any Good Bad Boy, is gaining the adoration of the special woman/women in your life.  The way to do that is simple - make them feel special, like she is the only woman in the world that truly matters to you.  How you do that is specific to the person involved - there's no one answer for that.

If you've been reading (and absorbing) these posts over the last several months you've already listened and asked all the questions so you should have an idea the kinds of gestures that would make the woman in your life very happy.  I said it was simple.  I didn't say it was easy.

Nice Try, Mr. Not So Nice Guy.......

While you are wrangling with the balance between Nice Guy and Bad Boy, there is still the problem on the nice side of the spectrum that we have already briefly examined.  Let's look at it in more detail.

By initially establishing a relationship based on friendship, instead of one that expresses sexual attraction and desire, the male has helped put up a physical intimacy wall between the two participants.  Now, if you’re very fortunate and there is mutual attraction, that will become apparent and you hopefully will not drop the precious ball that you’ve just been handed.  What will very quickly become a problem is operating with an ulterior motive.

As mentioned earlier, perform kind acts because you want to, not because you want something in exchange for them.

Not having the benefit of being properly educated on how to interact with women at an early age, Mr. Nice Guy becomes perplexed at why he can’t get a woman to desire him physically.  All the things he was taught about being nice to others when he was younger come into doubt.  Many start thinking, “I’m doing everything possible to help this woman out, why can’t she see that I’m really attracted to her?”

For better or worse, men are generally looked upon as the sexual pursuers in our society.  You can fight this fact all you want, but the sooner you embrace it, and stop whining about how women should be asking you out (with few exceptions, you’ll have a very long, miserable wait for them to do that), the sooner you’ll be a happier Good Bad Boy.

So, being nice is not getting you the attention you desire. Now the misunderstanding sometimes develops into darker areas of mistrust, frustration and anger. After repeatedly being nice to woman and striking out when it comes to asking them out on dates, most men, instead of looking in the mirror and recognizing that doing the same thing over and over is not working and taking responsibility for that, point the finger and blame women.

The Nice and The Bad

It’s no secret that women want to have a nice guy in their life. A fellow that they can rely on - shows up on time, calls on the phone regularly, listens, brings flowers, is caring and so on. The all-around Mr. Nice Guy. Most decent males, unless they grew up on Neptune or were raised by a wolf pack, already have a pretty good idea about this.

However, here’s where most guys trip up - Mr. Nice Guy generally doesn’t get a woman hot and bothered. He’s important to a woman everywhere except the bedroom. By now it better be obvious that the goal is being important to a woman in every room in her house, with as few restrictions as possible.

In discussing this with women, most agree that men generally do not merge the Bad Boy with Mr. Nice Guy. Most men are either one or the other, which many times leave women with a frustrating choice. Either there are decent men who don’t know how to properly light their fire, or bad guy loser types who know how to seduce and excite a woman but behave badly in every other regard, which is certainly not of interest here.

As discussed earlier, the lack of effective education and communication on how to interact with girls can be pointed out as a culprit. A lot of guys grow up watching too many movies where a tough, Clint Eastwood type character who barely communicates any sentiment always gets the stunningly attractive woman. Add to that the media stereotypes of musicians, athletes and other celebrities with glamorous models on their arm, and boys get the notion that being cool, aloof, and difficult to communicate with makes them a Bad Boy that girls will find completely irresistible.

That leaves the unhappy dynamic of unscrupulous Bad Boys being unable to connect with women, and because of their misconceived aversion to performing nice deeds this leaves them unable to connect with the opposite sex on a meaningful and powerful level. The perceived notion is that being ‘cool’ is omni important, and being nice to a female compromises a guy’s stature at being cool. More than likely this comes from the perception of peers, since healthy women will be repelled by this attitude.

Unfortunately, a lot of the boys in this group grow into men with these misconceptions and fail to examine their own behavior, often blaming the woman for any lack of connection, communication or understanding. This is part of the foundation of a lot of unacceptable Bad Boy behavior, and while all the sexual allure stays intact, ultimately this fellow gets labeled as complete emotional trouble, and should be avoided at all costs. 

Nice Guys will do whatever is necessary to acquire a Bad Boy persona, but the Bad Boys who behave poorly will almost never be interested in the Nice Guy characteristics.

Hopefully you begin to see the importance of the balance between Good and Bad.

However, it is a balance, and next we'll look at the problems of being good all the time.....